So What Wednesday! Er, Thursday...

SO what if I'm counting down the days until I can pee on a stick. TMI? Sorry! But for the record...the magical day is Tuesday. #letthisbeit #imtiredinmorewaysthanone So what If I missed my sister while she was gone. Probably more than I care to admit :) SO what if I upped the text messaging on my cell phone because I always hit my limit a week before my bill cycle starts over. What am I, 16 again??? No idea how I am texting so much. So what if I put some dirty dishes next to the sink last night..and when Matt yells from the kitchen "why didn't you put your dishes in the dishwasher!?!?!" My reply was "because I'm a lazy ass hole" So what if I bought the same pair of pants in 3 different colors. The price was right... So what If I sort of want some color on the ends of my hair and join the ombre club. I've only spent the last 2.5 years growing it out so all the color is out of it. Probably not going to happen. I'd rather buy my spoiled kid a new pair of shoes (or 3) than pay to get my hair colored. Hey, at least I'm honest!

Baby, maybe?

Just kidding, I'm not. What I AM though is 4 days late with no sign of flo. Annnd I am for sure NOT pregnant. (Please spare the "tests aren't always right" because I've wasted pee on 4 sticks - 2 different brands) *LE SIGH* Thank you, body, for being totally and completely jacked up. All in God's timing! Although at this point I am seriously wondering what this perfect timing will entail? For once Matt and I really thought we had our shtuff together so anytime this child wants to come we are a bit prepared. $4k in my HSA account for a child to shoot out of me? Check! The list goes on, but that's neither here nor there. Whenever you are ready, God, so are we!

Straight to my heart

I found this today and it totally spoke to me. I can't make a link work but it's from www.atleastitsnotasingle.blogspot.com

Broken promises and candybars

I commit to the same thing every month. And if my math is correct, I’ve made that same promise 12 times in a row.

And yet I fail every time.

You see, on about day 27 or 28 of every month, I wake up early in the morning and drive to the Dollar General. Usually I’m still in my pajamas, but today I wore jean shorts and actually put on a bra. The odds of us taking pictures and a video were high because I was convinced this month would be different.

I left the door open to the bathroom as I completed my routine pee, excitedly chatting with Jake who was on the couch. But within a few seconds, I knew this would not be the month. Sounds of crinkling plastic caught Jake’s attention and he asked whatelse I bought at the store.

“Well, they’re mini Snickers bars. They’re celebratory or condolences. And I guess today they’re condolences.”

And then came memorized-promise No. 13: “I refuse to do this to myself in July. I will not subject myself to this disappointment. I will not take a pregnancy test unless I have missed my period by more than a week.”

I’m amazed at the human heart — the ability to be so incredibly discouraged one day and 100 percent hopeful a few weeks later. It’s quite the vicious cycle, actually. The promise to avoid the test is usually made during full-fledged vulnerability — pants down on the toilet, negative test in hand with tears on my cheeks. But somehow, against all odds, I find myself in that same (hopeful) position every month.

My promise today feels firm — I can’t handle this emotional setback next month. (But if we’re going to be realistic, I know over the course of the next 30 days, my spirit will revive itself and my mind will do a little convincing. “This is it! This is your month.”)

“Just don’t think about it. If you don’t think about it, it will work,” they say. Why don’t you give it a try: Don’t picture a pink elephant. Avoid it at all costs. Ignore the fact that the women in your family have pink elephants, that your friends have them, that social media news feeds flood your thoughts with ultrasounds and videos of pink elephants, and that you're Primary president over 120 of them. Oh, and avoid talking about it, too, even though your husband is a doctor for pink elephants.

Now stop focusing on it ... and you’ll get one of your own!

Right.

Unless you’ve struggled with infertility, it's hard to relate. How can you not think about it? And why does "not thinking about" mean you'll get one? (Hate to break it to you — thinking about it doesn't affect the rate sperm swim or eggs drop, nor the timing they connect.) 

Sure, I apply the Atonement. I have a solid understanding of trials and faith. I’m not ignoring the fact that Doc. P and I have had sacred spiritual experiences and answers from Heavenly Father. I hold those moments very dear and we both know children will eventually come."

Every.last.word.

Now I wouldn't say that we struggle per se with infertility, what I would say is that it takes careful planning and a lot of praying to get a bun in my oven. It's only been since the end of September that we have been trying for #2. Good heavens that isn't long at all. I know it isn't. While I'm not here to have a pity party for myself, the hurt is real every month my test is negative. Halle took 10 long months and it was agonizing. I'm not about to try and question God's plan because it is much bigger than mine. I think I was hopeful that journey #2 would be easier but it's not looking like it is. SO here we go. 

Dear Halle on your (almost) second birthday!

Dear Halle,

It is ALMOST your second birthday! We can't believe it. I feel like we were just bringing you home from the hospital, literally. In fact, maybe that's why you woke up a million times last night? You wanted to remind us what it was like to wake up with you all.night.long. No worries, we still love you!

Here is what I know about you:

-You love Mickey and Minnie. You lost your mind when we took you to Disney on Ice last week. Seeing Mickey skate out in front of you was so exciting for you!

-Aunt Julie is still your BFF. I don't see this changing anytime soon.
-You demand milk and cheese as soon as we walk in the door from daycare. (maaalllk!!!! cheeeeeeeese!)
-You won't sleep without your baby doll, Greta.
-Building with blocks will keep you busy for at least an hour.
-You wear a size 2t (with the waist ALL the way cinched in) and size 5 diapers
-Whenever you see stupid puss you instantly say "no no, kitty!"
-Dogs scare the daylights out of you
-Whenever daddy farts you always say "POOP?!" as if it is question on whether or not daddy did in fact crap himself. (No worries, I sometimes wonder the same thing when he does it
-You hardly eat anything. Ever. But you are still growing so I guess you are doing ok
-When mommy lays her head on your lap at night while you are drinking your milk and watching toons, you always run your fingers through my hair. I love every second of it.

Your daddy and I are crazy about you! Hopefully by your third birthday you will have a baby brother or sister ;)

Love,
Mama

30 days of thankful.

I thought I'd just do a blog post with everything I am thankful for this week.

1. I am beyond thankful for my growing relationship with God. I am thankful for an amazing church that has truly changed my life!

2. I am thankful for being a parent. I am so glad that God chose ME to be Halle's mom. She is the best thing that I have ever done in my life. No one can make me laugh or cry quite like she can. Being a parent is the hardest, and best job I'll ever have. I am so thankful everyday for her.

3. Matt. He drives me crazy, and I really want to cut his giant beard off of his face - but he works his butt off for his family. I don't know many people who work 50+ hours a week and don't even complain.

4. Safety. This morning was a rough ride into work. I don't usually mind driving  - but I saw 3 accidents this morning. I am so thankful that I was not one of them.

I love this little face.

dear halle

Dear Halle -

I can't wrap my head around the fact that you will be two soon! You are quite the character these days and I love it! Let's talk about what is going on with you lately....

You hate your halloween costume. It is a simple lady bug, and you are terrified of it. Thank goodness your cousin Hannah is crafty, she is going to make you a tu-tu. I am dressing you in halloween colors and calling it a day.

You still LOVE watching Toy Story. If I turn on the tv and don't put on Woody you will bring me the remote and yell "WOOOEEEY!" (Woody).

Your Aunt Julie is still your best friend. I don't forsee this ever changing. You start yelling "JU!" the minute we turn down her street. We are still working on getting you to say "Roq" for aunt Roquel, but you haven't spit that out yet :)

Whenever we ask you a question the default answer is a very enthusiastic "no!" Which usually means yes. When you say no and really mean it, we know!

You have really turned up the notch with the tantrum throwing lately. We still love you, don't worry.

Talk of a baby brother/sister is on the horizon, so please don't hate us when another little person graces us with his/her presence.

We love you, Halle!

Dear Halle

Dear Halle,

You are quickly approaching 19 months!!! And my how your attitude is changing :) You are quite the sassy pants! Most of the time it is funny. Most of the time.
This morning you got so mad at me because I was putting your hair in a pony tail. But, it was 6:15 and daddy had just got you woke up for the day, so I don't blame you. The pouty lip is priceless.

I just discovered that you don't like honey nut cheerios. I've only been trying to feed them to you for breakfast for about a month. Whoops!

We took you to the campground this weekend to hang out with Grandpa Bruce and you loved it. He gave you some random things from the camper to play with. Your favorite? A bungee cord. You wouldn't put it down! You carried it around your shoulder all afternoon. Grandpa insisted that you take it home with you, so you held onto it in your carseat the whole way home.

You also love to carry mama's wallet. You are quite the diva carrying around a Coach wallet while we shop at Hy-Vee.

I should also note here that you HATE wearing sandals. Particularly jelly sandals. Not sure what they ever did to you, but you strongly dislike them. When I try to put them on your feet you start crying and yelling "nooooo!!!!". No worries, I gave them away to your friend Bristol. I know she will appreciate them more than you did :)

I finally got you to keep your sunglasses on for more than 2.3 seconds.

We love you, little girl!